There have been quite some occasions when I was accused of being ‘too demanding’. By my niece when I was checking her knowledge of noun declension. By my colleagues while working on some projects. By some of my team members during feedback and performance sessions. By some of my friends when I have challenged them. By my family members when I pushed to finish some work around the house.
Am I expecting too much from others? And - how much is ‘too much’?
From what I know about psychology, one of the theories says that in our mind we create systems which help us find meaningful understanding of the world around us and our experiences of it. We build ‘constructs’ in our heads. On the other hand, neuroscientists are constantly repeating how we should never forget to take our thoughts with a decent portion of reserve.
‘Don’t believe everything you're thinking.’ Moran Cerf
It seems that our brain is a proficient storyteller that constantly invents new stories. Stories about us, others, the world around us. Everything that makes our lives. Stories that happen to be the most convincing, given the existing or emerging constructs we have in our heads, are those that we fully buy into. We then wrap them with additional layers of ‘rational’ evidence and build beliefs that start to rule our lives.
What about expectations? Aren’t they just those brain stories that grew up into beliefs we have about others and ourselves? We form our expectations based on the experiences we had so far and certain knowledge we command with. Seems legitimate and reasonable. Except that it is not.
The challenge with expectations lies primarily in the gap of time dimensions it involves per its definition. Past, when all experiences and the knowledge they are based on has actually occurred, and the future, when our expectations should occur. Everything in between is subordinated to those expectations. They affect how we think, feel and act in our everyday lives. We perceive our experiences and events through their lense. We begin witnessing the ‘miracle signs’ to which we assign irrational meanings so that there is no doubt that they are aligned with our expectations. Or, if these events are not aligned with our expectations, we tend to simply avoid giving them any attention or significance. They become irrelevant.
Time to go back to the story of me being ‘too demanding’. What does it mean ‘too demanding’ after all?
Cambridge Dictionary defines ‘demanding’ as ‘needing a lot of time, attention, or energy.’ Based on this, we could certainly define ‘too demanding’ as ‘needing too much time, attention, or energy.’
If we judge it by this definition, I am not a demanding person. Definitely not too demanding.
What about my expectations? When it comes to skills and capabilities, learning, growth and further development, I have to admit that I do have high expectations. Primarily for myself. Based on my constructs, experiences and knowledge gained so far I strive to improve. To move my bar higher. Am I guilty of occasionally trying to fit others into frames of my constructs and handing them an invisible torch of behaviors that I secretly (or less secretly) expect them to comply with? I am. Just like everybody else. It is a very human thing to do.
Usually we assume that everybody else sees the world as we do. Expects what we expect. Hopes for what we believe is the right thing to happen. And we have it absolutely wrong because in most of the cases it drives us to the common place. The Land of Disappointment. Disappointment with people whom we spend our days with. Our families, friends, colleagues. Us.
Could we somehow prevent it?
Most of the time we can hear credos or advice how it is better not to have expectations at all to avoid any disappointment. But is this possible? Even if we get philosophical and refer to the ancient Greek wisdom of preparation without expectations, aren’t we talking about certain expectations that are allowing us to perform this preparation?
‘Expect nothing but be prepared for anything.’ Serafim
I would dare to claim that life without expectations is not possible. I believe that our expectations, same as constructs of our minds, are something that we are born with and evolve throughout life. Usually they come as an engine that drives us forward and infuses motivation for certain achievement. Sometimes they can become an obstacle and perhaps a less obvious bias that carries the danger of shifting the very definition of ourselves into a sphere of ‘demanding.’ I guess what is needed to prevent it is to remember that we see the world through different lenses. Some see only the possibilities, some just challenges, some perhaps nothing. Many of us joggle with all these options. And how successful we are is depending on the context. And this is the core. Context. It defines the height of the bar we are setting for ourselves and those that we set in our minds for the people around us. While we are equipped to advance to the levels that would enable us to jump over the bars that we have set for ourselves, we should always keep in mind that we are not entitled to do this for the others. They are not accountable for the expectations we have. Just for their own. And, yes - their expectations may be set lower than we would like it. But again, we would need to be comfortable with the cognition that the only thing we can raise is perhaps just their attention. Otherwise we risk being labeled as ‘too demanding’. Which, again, we may occasionally be ok with. Depends on the context.
‘The danger of expecting nothing is that, in the end, it might be all we’ll get.’ Dan Ariely, Predictably Irrational
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